Vacation

Time Team in “Vacation” by Noah Stambovsky Story Concepts by Noah Stambovsky & Ian Kuzmik A note from Noah: if you are commenting on this file, and you came from the public link, you are likely anonymous to me. Drop your name somewhere so I can respond to feedback. Enjoy the Episode. INT THE SHIP ORBITING EARTH 17 [The crew sit around marveling over the suitcase of cash they have.] BRAD Good job crew! 2 million credits in less than a day of work! This was one of the most profitable jobs that this team has ever pulled! CHRIS Also one of the least ethical. KURT How so? CHRIS Donna killed 3 people! KURT To be fair, that was an accident. BRAD Yeah, and they were eco terrorists, bad guys! Donna did the System a favor. CHRIS It may have been an accident, but they’re still dead. Where’s our accountability? BRAD Bad guys! DONNA Listen Chris, I did what I did so that this team could survive. Am I happy my shock pistol malfunctioned? No. Do I regret shooting them when I thought I had it on stun? Well, yes. We lost out on a three-million-credit bounty, but the point is that I executed (pauses, looks down with a wince due to her unintended word play) the plan, and got most of the money. So Megan can get her shawarma- MEGAN -I’m so hungry- DONNA -Brad can buy his cheap hookers- BRAD -Hey! I buy bourbon too- DONNA -Kurt can get more human test subjects- KURT -I mean now that you mention it- DONNA -and I can get a massage from a finely sculpted manservant while drinking a margarita, preferably frozen, and so that you can do what? I’m guessing it has to do with either videogames or beer. CHRIS Close! I want to check out this new gastropub on Earth 12. They’re supposed to have great craft beer pairings and videogames in the booth while you eat. BRAD They pair the beer with the… videogames? CHRIS No They- The food Captain. They pair it with the food. DONNA And so these videogame beer pairings, is that something you really want to do? CHRIS Yeah. I can’t wait. DONNA Then shut up about the 3 dead hippies! [Title credits play INT The Ship. the bridge. ] XT1 You have arrived at your destination, Earth 12. Local time, 12 and 4 PM. BRAD Alright gang, you know the drill: we meet at the hotel pool in 45 minutes. [EXT the ship parked in hotel parking garage on Earth 12. Donna is shown taking the suitcase of money from Brad and walking in the opposite direction. The gang walks down to the hotel and we see a short montage of them getting ready in their rooms. Unpacking, getting into swimsuits, etc. EXT Hotel pool. The crew is sitting by the pool and drinking exotic drinks. Donna is late to the pool. ] BRAD Now that we’re here at the hotel, with drinks in our hands, I have to tell you something. Team, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but our shares are gonna be a bit smaller than you may have calculated. [the team(excluding Donna) erupts into half serious scrutiny of this statement. Megan seems angry, Chris seems open to it, and Kurt says something about not even taking it seriously.] BRAD Now, team, we were in a rough spot back there. And we get ourselves into money trouble more often than we need. This team needs a little discipline. KURT And you’re going to teach us discipline? Will this be before or after the bottle of bourbon? DONNA Pffff Like he would just drink one. BRAD I will admit I am a guilty party in this, but this whole team blows money entirely too quickly. DONNA He’s right. BRAD I am. I went to college at New Hoboken U and I can do the math. Even with this haul, we’ll need another job just to eat in a few weeks, which is like 20 something days. That’s why we’re starting a squirrel fund. MEGAN Like with nuts? CHRIS No. He means us putting some of the money away, so that if we are desperate we can at least get supplies. DONNA The Captain is right, which is why I just put a little more than half of the money in the bank. [Collective gasp from the rest of the crew] BRAD We left enough to pay for this weekend, so no need to get your shares now. DONNA And while you all go out to do... (Everyone is on their phones) Whatever it is you do, I’ll be right here at the hotel spa. Here, 500 credits for everyone to start. CHRIS (aside to DONNA) hey you think I could get a little advance on my cut? DONNA (irritated) For what? CHRIS I’m just running low on NST, figured I’d score some street NoSTalgia, just in case. DONNA (takes out a bit more money) Fine. Just be careful out there buying it. [The team receives the credits and begin walking away from the hotel] MEGAN (To Chris) Y’know, I like beer and gastro-food too… CHRIS Really? Oh I didn’t know that. Well I made a reservation for one, but, maybe next time? MEGAN (sad) Sure. I’ll just go grab some shawarma. We follow the team to their various leisure activities with a montage: We see Donna at the hotel spa, getting massages, sauna, hot tub, etc. all with a frozen margarita in her hand. As the night goes on, each member of the team joins her to lounge by the pool, and we see her margarita go further down towards empty. First we follow up with Megan. She eats Shawarma, then gets a text and we cut to her trying to have fun at what looks like a rave. She leaves early and we see her return to the hotel. We see her join Donna at the hotel pool DONNA You get your shawarma? MEGAN (disappointed)Yea. DONNA What’s wrong? Next we see Brad at a strip club, throwing money, cash and coins, at the strippers, buying rounds on the house, and then eventually getting kicked out and approaching a prostitute on a corner. He whispers in her ear, she looks around, nods, and takes his hand as they walk down an alley. Then we see him being chased out of the alley by a pimp, and returning to the hotel. He approaches Donna and Megan, back at the pool. DONNA (to Megan) Babe, you gotta understand, he isn’t like most men. The way he grew up? Trust me, you’ll find someone who’s interested. MEGAN You think? DONNA Sure! A pretty, (hesitates) bright young girl like you? You’re a catch! MEGAN (with a slight smile)If you say so. Wow, you are way less grumpy with a few Margaritas in you. Like, WAY less. DONNA I know, hun. I know. Donna smirks as Brad sits down. DONNA (to Brad) Let me guess, they don’t do time roleplay. Don’t you ever want to escape the job? BRAD You don’t get it Donna! I was the client here! Have we ever refused a job just because we didn’t agree with or understand the clients sexual fetish? DONNA That’s different. BRAD How? DONNA Well for one, we never had to help Eddy with his peanut-butter-dog-ball-licking thing. It’s unfair to ask a poor escort to play out your Alexander the Great fantasy with you. BRAD I was on my way to Persia. Now torn asunder. Kurt shown in his lab working on his experiments. He has multiple screens on, playing important moments of history, with random bystanders in the background being zoomed in on. He is listening to some classic Prog rock.Probably either Genesis or ELP. Time passes, and he shuts off the screens, and pulls out a drawer that has a bunch of glass cases in it. He has a screen that acts as a whiteboard, that has an “18” written on it. He crosses it out, then moves to a microscope, then a test tube. Cut to : Kurt goes to an alleyway and begins talking to a hobo. He gives him some money. Cut to: aboard the ship. He gives the Hobo a piece of paper, and the hobo puts it under his tongue. We see Kurt return to the hotel and joins the three of them. BRAD How are the experiments Kurt? Get some good readings? KURT No. The “Prime movers” theory is at a standstill until we go on another mission. MEGAN And weren't you working on some drug trial? KURT Yeah. I mean, if you were looking for a drug that locks you into a vivid recollection of your most traumatic memory, driving you insane, I guess that was a success. DONNA You mean like what happened to Josh? MEGAN (interjects) Who’s Josh? KURT Pretty much. Two test subjects. Two formulations of the drug. Both failed. At least I have some good notes. DONNA Megan, Josh was our previous historian, before Chris. He did too much Nostalgia on a dare- BRAD -Legally not my fault- DONNA -and he got stuck in a memory from one of our missions. He was convinced of being at a kids birthday party in 1995. KURT Oh god, the clown, he wouldn’t shut up about that damn clown. BRAD So Kurt what about your test subjects? Are they gonna be okay? KURT Who? Oh those two? No way. We left one in 1939, and he’s stuck in some memory of, I guess WW1? Chris’d know. DONNA And the other one? KURT A hobo from here on Earth 12. I left him where I found him. He wouldn’t shut up about the mailroom at Interplanetary Holdings. Sounds like he was there when it was raided by Shades of Chaos. He showed signs of- MEGAN (interrupting) -You guys, where is Chris? KURT Probably just got caught up at that bar he wanted to check out. DONNA Yeah I mean it’s gotta take pretty long to try 500 beers and 30 dipping sauces for those organic beer battered onion rings. BRAD Yeah I mean that’s what, fifteen billion combinations? KURT Actually, it’s fifteen thousa- nevermind. DONNA That Associates in communications from New Hoboken U is really paying off eh Brad? KURT -At one dip and sip per minute it would take approximately 25 hours to try them all. That’s without all those breaks to play another round of Legend of Leagues. BRAD So let’s just give him to the morning alright? MEGAN Alright. [All but Megan go to sleep. Cut to : Chris in the Gastropub. He is finishing up his meal and is approached by a disheveled man in a dirty suit with unkempt facial hair(Jack Crimson) who is visibly drunk, and has a robotic prosthetic on his hand.] JACK Hey, man, my guy… You need something? CHRIS Excuse me? JACK Y’know, you need something they don’t quite uhhh serve here? CHRIS Sorry man I’m not gay. JACK Dude! (yells) I’m a drug dealer! (looks around paranoidly and whispers) I’m a drug dealer. Chris Oh… do you have any… NST-17? JACK Nostalgia?? Yeah, sure. I got it all in my truck out back. [They leave the restaurant and are shown outside] CHRIS So where’s your truck? JACK Well here’s the thing about the truck…(pulls shock pistol from jacket). It doesn’t exist. Come with me. [Cut to: INT an industrial looking space. Chris is tied up and attached to an IV machine.] JACK See I KNOW you work for a ship. I can’t Tell you how, but I know. And, there’s only one reason a freelance crew like The Time Team would be on Earth 12-- You just scored. So where’s the money Chris? Don’t make this difficult man I always really liked you. CHRIS I’m not going to tell you where the money is. Even if I did, you couldn’t get to it. And wait, how do you know- JACK -So there is money! CHRIS Ahh fuck. I’m still not telling you where it is! JACK We’ll see if you can keep your secrets with 50 ccs per hour of space rum headed directly into your bloodstream! But don’t worry, it’s the finest space rum credits can buy. I’ve been saving it for just this occasion. And if the rum doesn’t make you talk, my little friend will. (gesturing to his shock pistol). [Cut to short montage of Megan sitting around waiting all night and then sunrise, then second sunrise. Megan nervously paces around waiting for morning. Kurt and Donna wake up] MEGAN Okay it’s 7 and 11 am, I’m waking him up. DONNA Fine. [They barge into the Captain’s room.] MEGAN Captain! [no response. She shakes him] MEGAN Captain! [no response. She starts jumping on his bed} BRAD (half asleep) I am the emperor and you will do as I command! MEGAN Wake up wake up! [Donna punches Brad in the crotch and he immediately stands up] BRAD I’m awake! I’m awake! Whats going on team? MEGAN Chris still isn’t back. Can we please go out looking for him? BRAD Sure sure. Donna and I will go check out that gastro-place. We’ll see if he’s still trying those dipping sauces and if not- DONNA -He could be anywhere. He told me he was gonna try to score some NST on the street. Y’know earth 12’s lax SA presence is great when we’re trying to have fun, or (looks to Kurt) do super unethical research, but now that Chris is missing, I kind of wish there was decent security around here. BRAD Either way we will get to the bottom of it. KURT I have an idea for how to find him. I’ll be on The Ship. Keep your communicators online. [cut back to industrial area where Chris is being held. Jack is drinking rum, and Chris’s IV is almost empty so they both sound noticeably drunk. Chris has kept his resolve, but has warmed up to Jack since Jack is not interrogating very aggressively yet.] CHRIS So wait. You posed as Marco Polo and robbed Kublai Kahn? JACK Just one of my many many adventures. I’ve been all up and down the timestream. It’s easier to find gold just sitting around if you go back before Christ and those guys. I guess they didn’t have locks? Or something. CHRIS I mean I’ve seen my fair share of the past. The ancient world is just so fascinating to explore. JACK I saw Rome. If only through broken glimpses and a sun drenched gaze. I saw the great city. I saw man, how he toils; to turn ashes into pillars, and puddles into seas. I saw a woman too. Her hair was gold and she wore a scarlet bracelet. And a necklace, fashioned from the hearts and souls of men. A pleasing reminder of the toll to be paid for our gentle whims. CHRIS Wow Jack. That was… Beautiful. JACK Oh yeah,(burps) I rode a mammoth once too. (wistfully) but that was all years ago. CHRIS Y’know, if you untie me, I can tell my crew to not kick your ass when they get here. JACK What makes you so sure they’re coming? CHRIS Don’t worry, they’re coming. Our first mate, Donna, just killed 3 people. Yesterday. And they posed no threat to the team. What do you think she’ll do to you if I’m still tied up like this? [Cut to Donna outside of the restaurant. She finds Chris’s communicator as Brad emerges from the establishment.] BRAD They said he and another gentleman walked out at around 12 and 4 am. They don’t know what happened after that. What’d you find? DONNA Chris’s communicator. This looks like it’s been intentionally broken. Maybe he got robbed? [Cut to Kurt and Megan in Kurt’s lab on the ship) KURT Hey you guys, I have a way to locate Chris. [Cut back to Brad and Donna] BRAD Yeah hows that? KURT(over communicator) Well remember when I gave everyone those blood monitors? So I may have fibbed a little about exactly what they do. DONNA What are you talking about Kurt? [Cut back to Kurt and Megan, a map with 5 red dots scattered (one is by itself the other four are clustered in pairs)] KURT They do more than just monitor blood pressure and vitals. I can use their homing frequency to pinpoint any crewmember’s location within a few feet. DONNA(over communicator) So you lojacked us? What a coincidence. KURT What? DONNA Nothing. So if Chris hadn’t been kidnapped when were you going to tell us you installed locator beacons in all of our wrists? KURT To be honest, probably never. [Cut back to Brad and Donna] BRAD Donna, We’ll deal with him later, right now we have to find Chris. KURT I’m sending his location to your communicator, it should update in real time. [Donna looks down and her communicator begins to beep and the screen shows a map of the terrain and red dot where Chris is.] DONNA Okay I got him. Let’s go. [Cut back to Chris and Jack in the warehouse.] JACK Enough waxing reminiscent. (points shock pistol at Chris) Where is the money? CHRIS You won’t! JACK Hell I won’t! I need a new hand!(turns dial on gun and shoots Chris in the arm while waving his prosthetic). CHRIS OWW! Okay okay, there’s some in the bank, but I can’t get to that. There’s about a million credits on The Ship. JACK To the ship we go. Move! [Cut to Donna and Brad as they follow Chris’s signal] DONNA Okay he’s on the move. BRAD Where is he headed? DONNA Looks like he is on his way back to the ship. Maybe he just got caught up at a party looking for some NST? BRAD Let’s just get to the ship and make sure he’s alright. [cut to the exterior of The Ship. Jack is behind Chris pushing him toward the door. Then cut to aboard the ship. Kurt and Megan are pictured and we can hear Donna in the background as Jack and Chris arrive. Jack is using Chris as a human shield.] DONNA It looks like he’s just about- XT1 -There is an intruder aboard the ship KURT Thanks XT1. JACK Give me the money! DONNA(over communicator) Who is that? CHRIS Guys, this is Jack Crimson. JACK (still using Chris as a human shield) Nice to meet you all again! I’m Jack Crimson. Time pirate by day, drunken vagrant by night. The only difference is I steal things when the suns are up. Now if you could be so kind as to give me the million credits I know is aboard this ship and I’ll be on my- KURT -You’re not taking our money. DONNA Meet us again? Chris what is he talking abou- JACK I will kill your friend! KURT He is not my friend- CHRIS -Kurt? Buddy?- KURT He is a co-worker and acquaintance of mine, but he is ultimately replaceable. JACK Wow Kurt. That is cold. Chris is a really nice guy, anyone would be lucky to have him as a friend, and I WILL KILL HIM if- MEGAN -NO! Here’s the money! (throws suitcase at Jack) [Jack drops his gun but catches the case. Chris slips away. They all stand there awkwardly as Jack holds the money. Jack makes attempt to grab gun but Kurt gets his foot over it. Jack backs away with the suitcase, headed for the door. Kurt has the gun but isn’t pointing it at Jack yet.] JACK You know, you guys really have a great team member right there, you should respect him a bit- [Kurt raises the gun, but once he’s pointing it, Jack runs. ] XT1 The intruder has left the ship with the money. KURT(sarcastically) Thanks again XT1! [Cut to exterior of the ship. Jack runs off. A few seconds later, Donna and Brad show up from the opposite direction as the rest of the team comes out.] KURT (pointing) Camera feed says he went this way. CHRIS Megan gave him the money. DONNA WHAT???? KURT I did everything I could to stop him. CHRIS Yea thanks for that Kurt. Cap, He was gonna let the guy kill me! KURT I wouldn’t have let it come to that, Cap. He is visibly inebriated I thought bluffing him was the best way to keep the money and save you. CHRIS So we are buddies? KURT Sure, Cameron. We’re friends. BRAD Well let’s go after him. CHRIS It's no use. He's long gone by now, a vagabond through time. Jack Crimson, piloting his mammoth steed, off towards the eternal sunset. We can just get the other half from the bank, right? [Murmurs of agreement] DONNA Like hell... [The team returns to the ship. Donna takes out her communicator and then walks in the direction she came from, opposite the way Jack appeared to have left. Cut to a dive bar, Jack Crimson is seen with two prostitutes (one is the very same that had interacted with Brad during the beginning of the episode) waving money around, with drinks in all their hands.] JACK And a round for everyone on me! [whole bar cheers] JACK Well girls, it looks like the days of Jack Crimson, time pirate, are over. Girl 1 What are you gonna do now Jacky ? JACK I just told you! I’m getting an upgraded hand so I can play guitar again and tour the System! Wow, for cheap hookers, you two really are bad at listening. I opened up my soul back there. [Donna comes into the bar] DONNA(to bartender) Do you know where I can find a man named ‘Jack Crimson’? BARTENDER He’s right there (points to Jack). DONNA Thanks (approaches Jack). Jack Crimson? JACK Donna? Oh fuck. DONNA How do you know who I am? JACK It’s a long story. No spoilers from me. Listen, can I please keep the money? [at this moment Donna grabs Jack’s non-prosthetic hand and twists it in a painful looking way. A cracking sound can be heard.] JACK AHHHHH My good hand!!! DONNA (calmly) Money. JACK (handing over the money)Ok ok! Here it is! Here it is! DONNA (grabbing the money) Thank you. JACK (as Donna walks away) Wait! DONNA What? JACK Take this too. He hands her a bottle of space rum. DONNA What for? JACK Call it a peace offering. You’ll know what it’s for when the time is right. Like I said, no spoilers. [Donna is shown returning to the ship. She emerges on the bridge, everyone standing around as she presents the money. ] CHRIS But how did you find him? In this city, a seasoned criminal like Jack Crimson can disappear at the drop of a- DONNA He was in a bar 5 blocks from here. KURT Okay but how did you know which bar? DONNA Remember how Kurt secretly lowjacked the whole crew? I put a locator chip on something of actual value, the money, before we even got to Earth 12. KURT When were you gonna tell us? DONNA Let me see, if it hadn’t gone missing? Probably never. C’mon let’s get Chris into the Autodoc. Cut to: Int. Med bayof The Ship. Chris is lying on a stretcher, Kurt and Donna put a circular device over the gunshot wound on his arm. KURT Couple hours with this thing on, you should be good as new. DONNA (takes out bottle of space rum)Chris, He gave me this. You know anything about that? CHRIS Looks like the same kind he was injecting me with. Other than that, you’re guess is as good as mine. [The team is shown going back to the hotel, all 5 of them doing some sort of group spa treatment (jacuzzi, sauna, massages, etc.) Then we show Chris and Megan having beers and onion rings by the pool, just the two of them.] [Cut to: INT Inside of a bank. Jack Crimson can be easily recognized under a pantyhose facemask as he brandishes a shock pistol] JACK Alright nobody move this is a hold up! No one needs to get hurt, I’m just here for the money. (to teller) Give it here, darling. [The patrons get down on the ground, frightened, the teller hands jack a large suitcase. As he runs out, he pulls up his mask to puke on the floor. ] [Closing credits roll, and then we open to a younger, clean shaven, sober-looking Jack playing guitar on a stage in a bar.] [Subtitle: Earth 12, 2552] [The band’s set ends and they get down from the stage. They are huddled in a circle. They empty the tip jar and count it.] DRUMMER We’ll never get a demo made playing dumps like this. BAR PATRON Hey fellas, Couldn’t help but overhear about your money woes. Looking to make a little extra scratch? [Cut to the band getting into a time machine, the bar patron from before is in the background of the shot. They timeport back to the wild west. The ship is next to a stopped train.] BASSIST He said it would be right up here. JACK This better be enough for the demo, Phil. BASSIST It will be, trust me. [They enter the train, and get to a locked hold which they open using some futuristic looking tech. They open a box to reveal a huge amount of gold. They start moving it off the train, but security starts chasing them and the train starts moving. Jack is pulling up the rear and is grabbed by the security guards. In the struggle, he is pushed from the train, and has a security guard on top of him. He reaches his hand out, only to get it run over by the train] JACK NOOOOOO ! MY HAND!!!!! [cut to him in a hospital with his new prosthetic (it looks nice and new, but is the same model we saw him with in the episode). He moves the fingers around, and gets a disappointed look on his face. Cut to him in his small run down looking apartment. He starts to play his guitar, but struggles to make it through a few notes and chords. He begins to sob and chug a bottle of space rum. Cut to him at a nicer looking bar, drinking space rum, watching someone else play guitar in the band. As he bows his head down, the bar patron from before approaches him.] BAR PATRON You’re no use to them with that bum hand, but I could sure use a guy like you, who knows how to pull off a proper heist, and doesn’t rat out his employer. And hey, maybe you could save up for one of those new prosthetics and get back onstage. Whatta ya say?