Don’t Fuck with Janet

Time Team in “Don’t Fuck with Janet” by Noah Stambovsky Story Concepts by Noah Stambovsky & Ian Kuzmik A note from Noah: if you are commenting on this file, and you came from the public link, you are likely anonymous to me. Drop your name somewhere so I can respond to feedback. Enjoy the Episode. INT The Ship. The Team stands around at their various stations. A late 20s blonde woman, Karen, in military/police gear can be seen on the vidscreen. MEGAN I wasn’t paying attention at all. KAREN I’m gonna go over this one more time. The System Authority is trying to take down The Shades of Chaos Crime Syndicate. We are sending you to 9th century Germany. Scout bots have found our key witness hiding amongst the locals. BRAD Key witness? DONNA Was anyone listening? At all? KAREN Yes we spoke in length about the target, Janet Purketta. Help me out here , Don. CHRIS Yea I remember, she left the syndicate right? KAREN She defected. The SA aided her in escaping from The Monolith, and then she never made good on her promise to testify. KURT And now she’s hiding out with these German people? BRAD I think they are called vikings, doctor. MEGAN Vikings!? Didn’t they invent the steam engine? CHRIS Not even clo-... no Megan. Just, no. Also, Karen, Vikings were from Scandinavia not Germany. KAREN Well yes, technically you will be in what was Denmark, but it’s an area that would go on to be considered part of Germany later on but thanks for the interruption, smart-ass. Now listen. The most important aspect of this mission is the target. Purketta must be apprehended alive. She is extremely dangerous and may have been there long enough to have formed alliances with the locals. I’ll let Donna answer the rest of your questions. Just remember, Janet was an infiltration specialist for the most sinister group of criminals known to man, and the Vikings were known as a bloodthirsty and battle-hardened warrior culture, so do not underestimate them, or her. Let me keep this simple: Don’t fuck with Janet. [Screen blinks off] KURT Well if that wasn’t foreboding… DONNA This mission will not be some walk in the park guys.(looking at Chris and Kurt) Is that understood? CHRIS Parks not withstanding, wouldn’t it just be easier to- DONNA Nope we already thought of that. CHRIS You don’t even know what I was going to say! DONNA I know exactly What you we’re gonna say. ‘Hehe let’s go back to last year when Janet left Shades of Chaos and scoop her up before she goes back to vikingland! Hehehe stupid Donna.’ CHRIS Wow. That is what I was gonna say. KURT Solid Chris impression, (mockingly) ‘Don’ DONNA Well it was especially accurate because that’s a dumb fucking idea and it won’t work. We have no idea where she went after the SA helped her escape from The Monolith. And by the way Kurt, If you call me Don again, I swear by all that is holy I will- MEGAN What’s a monolith? KURT It’s type of stone formation. DONNA Well, I guess that’s true. But, The Monolith is a state-of-the-art prison complex run by Shades of Chaos. KURT Also that. DONNA Listen guys, Janet is one of 2 people who have escaped The Monolith among hundreds of thousands that have been imprisoned there. She is going to really hate the idea of coming back here to testify for the Authority. BRAD What does this mission pay? DONNA Could you be any worse at this captain thing? I’m trying to imagine how you could… Nope. Nothing. Don’t worry about it. Karen will take care of us. BRAD Ooh I hope so. I would let her take such good care of me. Can you imagine? DONNA Can you not? CHRIS I REALLY don’t think we’re qualified for this mission, guys. I mean, Shades of Chaos? Vikings? I just have this sinking feeling that we are going to die… screaming and in agony. MEGAN You afraid Chris? CHRIS Megan, were you paying attention? No. Do you know anything about the people we’re up against here? No. We’re fucked! Get your affairs in order people. BRAD Hey! Don’t be frightened! No really. That type of negativity is going to become self fulfilling if you keep it up. Besides, you all got a new will when you signed The Ship’s contract, remember? Everything you own goes to my cousin Zeke. DONNA Wait wha- BRAD But really, I think we’re gonna be just fine. KURT XT1, What are the chances we all die on this mission? XT1 Chances of entire team dying: twenty percent. BRAD Wow… twenty percent? All of us? MEGAN What are the chances that one of us dies? XT1 Sixty percent. CHRIS Who’s frightened now Cap? KURT XT1, assuming one of us does die, what are the chances it’s Chris? XT1 Thirty percent. KURT Hmmm. Not bad, Cameron. DONNA Chances it’s me? XT1 Lowest probability by far at one point three percent. DONNA Imagine that. BRAD XT1, what are the- you know what, just, never mind. Megan, start the timewarp sequence. [sequence starts and title credits play] [Int The Ship. Everyone stands at their station a low rumbling can be heard] XT1 You have arrived at your destination. Earth 1. April 4th, 811 A.D. 5 miles north of the Weser river, in newly established Danish territory. BRAD Thankyou XT1. KURT So what was going on at this time? CHRIS Well I remember there was a war last year… let me see. (takes out his packet of NST-17 tabs) DONNA Aren’t you running low? CHRIS I’ll be fine, I have 4 left, and they’re time-release. CHRIS (he takes a tab of NST-17) Vikings… Spring 811 A.D… Vikings… Spring 811 A.D… Ok. So King Gudfred died while invading Frisia, and although they are at peace right now, it wasn’t official until that May when the snow thawed and his nephew King Hemming could actually sign the truce. They may have had a few limited skirmishes with the Obotrites this spring. DONNA And the dossier says that Janet was spotted near here yesterday. BRAD Well she couldn’t have gotten far. Let’s get on the move! MEGAN Essential personnel only right cap? BRAD What are you talking about? No, we may need to stay here for days. We have to leave the ship in power save mode. Everyone is coming and helping capture the fugitive. I thought you’d want to come along. You’re always saying you don’t get to have any fun, right? MEGAN Ok I’ll come… but I really don’t think we should put the ship in power save mode Cap. BRAD Yea? Why’s that? MEGAN Because the dimensional relay is still compensating for the warp. If we go into power save mode now, the subspace manifold may collapse next time we jump. BRAD Keep it simple hun’ KURT She’s saying next time we jump may be our last. BRAD Is she right? KURT (looks at his screen) It’s possible, but I can’t know for sure. MEGAN I’m telling you! It’s going to- BRAD -I’m going to err on the side of not worrying about that at all. Let’s go team. Everyone up and off the ship. We’ve got some vikings to meet. CHRIS This sucks. We could have taken a mission on a tropical island. DONNA And then you would have complained about pirates, mosquitoes, and sand in your shorts. C’mon everyone, pack a bag we’re locking The ship in 20 minutes. [Everyone splits up and we cut to Chris and Kurt packing their bags and talking with their doors open] KURT Hey Chris, weren’t these Viking guys some of the best warriors in history? CHRIS Yea just about. When you're talking brute strength, and the fear they inspired, definitely top 5 KURT Do you think a viking could beat a spartan hoplite in single unarmed combat? A fair fight? CHRIS That would be close. Why do you ask? KURT No reason… Kurt suspiciously packs something into his bag, it looks like hypodermic needles. EXT. Team exits The Ship, which appears to flicker and become a giant log. The team looks around. They are in a forest. There are patches of snow, but it is mostly thawed away by now. The team’s clothing turns into era-appropriate attire. DONNA So Chris, say we get stopped by a group of Vikings or Frisians or whatever. What do we- As Donna is speaking a group of viking warriors approaches. They are all armed with weapons and armor. VIKING 1 Who goes there! DONNA HEY! Whats up guys? We were just- CHRIS (nervously) uhh We have a message we must get to one of King Hemming’s chieftains! VIKING 2 Oh yea? You know with this unofficial truce it’s been hard to trust people. Were you sent for a specific chieftain? CHRIS You think Charlemagne knows any of your chieftains' names? No offense but the guy has got a lot on his plate. VIKING 1 Why such a large group just to get a message through to us Norsemen? CHRIS It is a most important message, and as you said, no one can be trusted. We have also been asked to stay and help Hemming with the transition of power. We have our, ahem, military strategist (Motions to Donna, Donna salutes), our jester (shoves Brad forward, Brad does a little dance and bows), and a wizard (points to Kurt). VIKING 3 He’s a wizard? Prove it! CHRIS (looks at Kurt and whispers) Just do some cool science shit. KURT (to Chris, whispers) You are so lucky I brought gallium. KURT turns around for a second and produces what looks like a small metal dagger. He hands it to Viking 2 VIKING 2 (holds the knife as it begins to melt) By Freya! The dagger melts in my hand! (him and the other vikings look at the dagger and at Kurt with genuine awe) KURT Magic! VIKING 1 They must be who they say they are. Let’s take them to Janet. DONNA Wait! Your cheftain is a woman? VIKING 2 (as they all begin to walk led by the three Vikings). Indeed she is. We do that sometimes. Janet joined our clan last year during the war in Frisia. She defended king Gudfred from a dozen Obotrite warriors. He almost made it back to the palace alive because of her. So Hemming gave her a plot of land on the Coast of the Weser. She is a great chieftain, but do not cross her. The day you do will be your last. KURT (quietly, to Chris)Why is everything about this mission so foreboding? Cut to Int. The team stands in a tent. We see over the shoulder of someone who is sitting on a throne on one side of the tent. The team attempts to convince them that they are indeed messengers from Charlemagne. CHRIS And see, that’s why we’re here. We needed to tell you that Obotrites have been spotted on the opposite bank of the river. If Denmark, Frisia, and The Holy Roman Empire are to truly be at peace, we must join forces to defeat the Obotrites once and for all. Camera turns and we see Janet for the first time. She is not obese, but quite ‘husky’ her dirty blonde hair is unkempt and she sits back eating what seems to be a giant turkey thigh she speaks between bites with food in her mouth. JANET So what you’re saying *munch* is that basically *chew* we have to go back to war. We just finished fighting you, haven’t even signed the papers, and we’re gonna join together in another war? (under her breath) whenever you go someone always needs an ass whoopin’. DONNA Yes, we need to fend off the… Obotrites as soon as possible. If we could, Chieftain, we would like to take you to the ridge where our scouts have been tracking them from. JANET Me, go off alone with the five of you ? (throws completely bare turkey bone on the ground) Sounds good. But we don’t need the clown or any of them. You two (points to Chris and Donna) with me. [Ext as Chris, Donna, and Janet walk over a hill. The settlement they were just in can be seen and the camera follows them as they cross over the hill] DONNA It’s just this way, Cheftai- [as soon as the settlement is out view, Janet tackles Donna. Now Janet is on top of Donna, and Chris stands, paralyzed by fear] JANET Okay who sent you?! Huh? How did they find me? Was it Damien? Ophelia? Was it Malcolm? was it? DONNA I don’t know what you're talking about, we were sent by Charlemagne. JANET OH! it was the SA wasn’t it? Alright. (She let’s Donna up). At least I know you aren’t here to kill me. So how did they find me? DONNA Scout drones. JANET Well shit. They must have gotten a DNA sample off me. I knew I shouldn’t have used the shitter in that SA safe house. Oh well, you live and you learn. Sorry to ruin your plan, but I’m not leaving. [They all look up as horns blow] JANET Battle horn? Wait we’re you guys making up that stuff about the Obotrites? CHRIS Well, yes and no. We never met Charlemagne, but this was the time of year that the Frisian-Danish alliance did encounter some resistance from the Obotrites. JANET (taking out the battle hammer from a strap on her back) We should get back to camp, looks like there's some killing to do. Cut to Int. a tent at the camp. Kurt, Megan and Brad stand around, awkwardly guarded by large viking warriors. The horns go off again. MEGAN What’s that? Dinner time? Do they have Poke here? VIKING 1 Battle horns! Everyone to positions! Get these three some weapons. Brad and Megan start stammering and making excuses MEGAN Like… to fight with? BRAD Maybe I’ll just stay in the back and offer moral support. I’m not really the “battling” type. KURT Battle Axe? YES! More vikings arrive. They thrust weapons into Megan and Brad’s hands, and grab them and bring them out of the tent. They still stand awkwardly as warriors run around getting ready. Very “All hands on deck” moment. Janet is arriving back, and begins very calmly yet firmly distributing orders to the various warriors as we see her walk through the camp. JANET It’s the Obotrites, just like they warned! Lars, Sven, you’re with me! Borgnar, You and your men set up the barricade! Shield maidens at attention! CHRIS You got this right? We can just hang back while you and the erm, Vikings do your thing. JANET Excuse me princess? (shoves an axe into his hands.) You two are backing me up in the van. Let’s go. Battle scene. Montage of Janet and Donna (and to a lesser extent, Kurt, and very slightly/clumsily, Brad) kicking ass while Chris cowers and Megan awkwardly skates by as the Vikings dominate the attacking Obotrites. During the battle scene we see Janet talking to one of the vikings as they both fight off the enemy warriors. JANET This seems a little light no? SVEN It does chieftain. Maybe we have dwindled their numbers more than we thought! JANET Uh, huh. Janet looks around with an air of suspicion. The battle scene ends and we see Janet very calmly executing injured Obotrites on the battlefield as Donna follows closely behind. They are both fairly covered in blood and dirt but with no visible injuries. JANET Good fighting back there. I have to say you’ve won my respect as a warrior. But I still can’t come back with you. DONNA Janet, we really can’t take no for an answer. We need this payday, and the SA needs your testimony. My contact there told me you know things that could end Shades of Chaos for good. Isn’t that worth it? JANET End? Shades of Chaos? Your contact is dreaming if they think the SA is going to take down SOC. With or without my help. The truth is, if I go back and try to testify, Malcolm will get to me before I have a chance. He owns half of the SA. If I inform on him, He’ll be wearing my skin by next week. DONNA Metaphorically, right? JANET No. He’s got a full on wardrobe. Pants, suits, scarves, probably a few cardigans. And look at me, he could probably make a sweatervest, and- (she looks down at her breasts) a pair of hats out of my torso alone. DONNA Well then aren’t you worried about him finding you here? JANET If his spies had access to those scout drones, they would be here already. And we would all be dead. Also I know none of the vikings are in his pocket, so their protection is worth a hell of a lot more than the Authority’s. DONNA I understand all of that, but you really need to take the cha- JANET Y’know what else? I really like it here. Life is simple. Farm, pillage, battle, burn, pillage, farm, repeat. You bathe once a month, and if anyone gives you shit, you can just knock their teeth out. No surprises. No all powerful crime syndicates, no idiotic blundering government organizations, no 3D printed clones of my dead father, nothing. DONNA Listen Janet. My contact, Karen, is a long time friend. We were navy seals together and have been through some real shit, and I can tell you for certain that she will do everything she can to keep you safe. And she’ll never let this go. If you don’t come with us, she’ll send an Authority containment squad. JANET My men can handle a few SA boy scouts. DONNA That I don’t doubt, but if she sends the squad, she’ll need approval from her department. Then the chances of one of Malcolm’s spies finding you goes way up. JANET Well that’s still a better way to go. In battle. BEAT JANET I understand you want to do right by your friend. That’s honorable. You think the only way we can all be happy is by me coming with you. But how about this, I’ll pay you in viking gold to tell Karen that I was dead when you got here. I’ll even give you a finger, you can say it’s mine. DONNA What? No. I can’t do that to her and it only buys you the time it takes for her to check via scout drone. JANET Well y’know what I got another idea, either you leave, and vow to tell the SA that I am dead, or my men and I kill your whole team. Which, hey let's be honest, I could do it myself and you would be the only one to give me any trouble. They continue walking, Donna pondering the options she’s been given. CUT TO:int. Night time. The team sits around in a tent as Donna explains their predicament. DONNA It seems as if the Viking way has really rubbed off on her. She wants to have us killed. And, I don’t know, maybe they will eat us or something. CHRIS That’s unlikely. Vikings rarely practiced cannibalism. DONNA Well they can still kill us all so it’s a moot point don’t you think? BRAD Well I say we take her money and dodge the Authority for a bit. Head back to Earth 12 and let this all blow over. And then at least we get a payday. CHRIS I’m with Brad. Janet terrifies me. Donna, I know Karen is your friend, but It’s just not in the cards. And hey, don’t we have the squirrel fund? Or did Jack rob our bank? DONNA I’m not sure where we left that… Either way, we’re here. We’re better off completing the contract. MEGAN If only we had a disbursement so the vikings aren't looking when we grab her. CHRIS A what? MEGAN Y'know, like, when there’s a loud sound that draws everyone's attention away. DONNA I think she means a distrac- We hear battle horns again in the background, the team sits up, fear in their faces. CHRIS Aww not again! Donna heads out of the tent, we see her approach the nearest viking DONNA Sven, whats going on? BORGNAR Well, one, I'm Borgnar. DONNA Sorry it's just- BORGNAR Just what? All of us vikings look the same? DONNA I'm sorry Borgnar! Whats going on? BORGNAR Looks like the Obotrites are back for more. Borgnar starts walking away from the tents, Donna follows. BORGNAR Lars told me that the little skirmish today was just a test of our defenses. Now we get a real fight! Odin be with you Donna of jolly Rome! Tonight we feast, either here or in Asgard! They get to some sort of weapons rack, and Borgnar starts grabbing his axe and shield. DONNA Right, Asgard. BORGNAR I'm sorry, was that insensitive towards your christianity? Didn't mean it to come off as prejudiced. You fought valiantly today, now come join me in the van and we shall defend Janet's land and King Hemming's throne! DONNA Let me just get my team… Donna turns around and runs back towards the tents DONNA That’s our disbursement. Kurt, I'm assuming you have some tranquilizers… KURT Maybe… They all look at him with impatience. KURT But guys, I was going to use these on a viking! Time Viking! They continue to stare impatiently. Kurt looks down, downtrodden. Cut to: Int. Janet's tent, She gets out of bed and sits on the chamberpot as the horns ring out. JANET (to herself)These time dicks have me off my game. I knew something was wrong. Guess it’s time for some more killing.(shrugs) A viking passes by and peeks his head in. VIKING We’re gonna need you out here Chieftain. We’re being overrun! JANET Yeah yeah. I'll be out in a minute. Cut to: EXT outside Janet’s tent. The vikings are running towards the battle. Janet leaves the tent, headed for the battle, but as she gets out the door, two silouhette figures approch her from behind. It’s Kurt and Donna. Kurt sticks her with the needle and she goes down, but still fights the two of them off, Donna reveals a taser and tases Janet, and she continues fighting. KURT Uhh, boss… you're just making her angry. DONNA Then stick her again kurt! He looks hesitantly at a second needle as Donna begins losing her grip on the slow moving Janet. He gives a shrug and sticks her again. Janet goes down. A wider shot shows Kurt and Donna looking around in relief. None of the vikings saw this. We hear battle sounds in the background(weapons clashing, battle cries, etc.) Kurt and Donna start laboriously carrying Janet away. Cut to : EXT the rest of the team walking towards a giant log. Brad has his communicator out with its antennae and radar screen, Megan and Chris follow behind, looking back fearfully as the battle noise fades into a vague din. BRAD should be right- [he puts his hand on the log] BRAD Nope thats just a log. The camera pans around as Kurt and Donna, exhausted, carrying unconscious Janet approach a similar looking log. Donna gestures with her shoulder, and smiles a bit. DONNA It's this one guys. (to Kurt, quieter)Is he really that dense?. KURT Oh he is. They run over to help with Janet, but Donna and Kurt have her on the ship before they can help much. DONNA (sarcastically)Thanks for the help. Good job guys. Brad and Chris strap Janet in as Kurt and Donna collapse/steady themselves on the bulkheads/computer terminals. Everyone takes their stations. BRAD Megan, How quickly can you get us on our way? MEGAN Safely? CHRIS (distressed) Please just fire up the engines. KURT What's wrong Chris? Was viking culture not as much of a thrilling anthropology lesson as you we're expecting? It wasn’t an eye-opening look into the customs of a long-forgotten way of life? Not an intriguing historical experien- CHRIS No! It wasn’t any of that! I need to get out of here! MEGAN Cap? Brad nods. Megan flips some switches. The Ship shakes violently, then makes its classic whirring noise, followed by a large crash. Red lights turn on. DONNA What now? MEGAN That was not supposed to happen. We’re back in our time, but something is wrong. KURT (looking at his terminal, facepalms) It’s exactly what Megan said would happen. The subspace manifold collapsed, and now the temporal inverter is being bombarded with dark energy and gravimetric distor- BRAD -Can you keep it simple? KURT We’re fucked. The drive is as functional as you are literate. BRAD I have no idea what you’re talking abou- MEGAN (Happy to have been right, without thinking about the consequences)I said this would happen! I did! BRAD Did you? KURT She did. You guys, we are in Earth 32’s space and Earth 32 is practically owned by- JANET (Waking up) Shades of Chaos. What have you dimwits gotten me into now? Janet struggles but can't break from the restraints. CHRIS So are we stuck here? MEGAN We’re stuck here. BRAD What if we turn it off then back on aga- KURT Are you really that dense? CHRIS He really is. DONNA We’re being hailed. JANET Do NOT answer that hail. It’s an SOC patrol. Listen, if they find us, they will kill all of us. And not in the fun, quick and easy way. I’m talking skin suit here. BRAD Are you serious? DONNA She is. KURT (intrigued) Like a sweatervest? Or- JANET Listen! We’re all in this together now. I can get us to Earth 9 safely, but when we’re done, we go our separate ways. No payout, but you leave with your genitals intact and your heads attached to your shoulders. Are you in? CHRIS Guys, I’m getting that sinking feeling again… BRAD So this definitely means no money, right? DONNA Right. (Turns to Janet) What do we have to do? CUT TO: Janet being freed by the team then pulling wires out of a console as Megan looks on in abject horror. MEGAN What- what are you doing? JANET (continuing to pull wires and reconfigures console) Listen sugar, It’s not gonna be pretty, but if we’re gonna get past that patrol, we have to look like something we’re not. CHRIS What are you trying to make us look like? JANET You’ll see. KURT Even if you manage to give them the slip, how are we getting The Ship to Earth 9? JANET The Ship? I said I could get us to Earth 9. The Ship is gonna be scrap if my former employers find it and you don’t have a plausible story. Honestly, it’s a piece of shit anyways. You’re better off. BRAD NO WAY! I am not leaving The Ship! (Nervously) XT1, Tell me there is another way out of this. XT1 There is another way out of this. BRAD Great! What is it? XT1 We turn Janet in to Shades of Chaos. JANET Alright XT1 and what is the percent chance that your crew here makes it out of that situation alive? XT1 Zero point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero- DONNA -Ok Janet What exactly is your plan? JANET I’m gonna make this pile of trash look like a dump truck hauling other piles of trash, we will slip past the patrols, and dock with my hidden substation. It’s not a ship, just a transwarp portal. Step in, and boom, you’re in an Arby’s bathroom on Earth 9. BRAD What if we- JANET The portal is barely big enough for me to fit through, we’re not getting your ship through. And imagine being the poor Arby’s worker who has to clean up the bathroom after you land your ship in there? CHRIS Probably not the worst thing they’ve had to clean up. JANET You’re not wrong. But I'm telling you the ship won’t fit. If you want to live, you have to leave the ship here. CUT TO: INT The Ship, they are on the move, and two dots can be seen approaching on the viewscreen. Janet is standing at Megan’s station. DONNA We’re being hailed again, Janet. Are you sure this is going to work? JANET It’ll work. Open the channel. SHADES OF CHAOS PATROLMAN (over audio channel) Unidentified vessel, This is your last warning. You are in restricted space and refused your first hail. State your business or prepare to be boarded. JANET (Holds her nose so her voice sounds nasal)Sorry about that, hoss, we were having some trouble with our comms after the spill. We’ll be out of your hair as soon as we get the drive online. SOC PATROLMAN Spill? Why do you sound like that? Identify yourself! JANET I’m holding my nose man! This is the captain of Starlatrine freighter number 414. We’re a waste hauler. We had a containment leak, there’s feces all over the cabin. If you still want to board, I understand, but do so at your own risk. If you scan us for biologicals you’ll see we have 3 tons of waste onboard. It’s not pretty.(flips some switches on the console) LONG BEAT SOC PATROLMAN Holy hell that’s disgusting. I hope for your sake none of that waste is from an Arby’s. JANET Oh I think we would be dead if it was. We’re just going to get our drive fixed then get on our way to Earth 34. SOC PATROLMAN Alright Starlatrine 414, stay safe out there. Wash your hands when you get to port. SOC Patrol out. The com link ends, a sigh of relief is shared collectively by the crew as Janet steers The Ship towards an asteroid and starts pressing a few buttons. JANET Alright here we are. CHRIS Umm Janet, I think you were with those Vikings too long, That’s an asteroid. JANET Is it? Janet presses a few more buttons and a small ship-like structure phases into view, jutting out of the asteroid. JANET Welcome to Arby’s The ship docks to the structure and the crew files into the small substation. It looks kind of like a futuristic studio apartment in which someone is in the process of moving out. Everything is covered in dust, and the place is generally a mess. JANET Don’t mind the clutter, last time I was here I was ready to pack it all up and head for Earth 9 anyway. Ok I’ll go through and make sure no one moved my warp destination, and that the stall isn’t occupied. I’ll come back to let you know the coast is clear. She goes into the portal and we cut to int Arby’s bathroom. We hear farting noises as she steps out of the portal into an empty stall. She opens the stall door and looks around. JANET Ok coast is clear. C’mon everyone! That patrol will figure out what we did and be here soon! Kurt is looking at the portal and turns to Janet. KURT Hey listen, so you’re not gonna need this portal again right? JANET Are you kidding? It’ll be space dust in the next half hour. I'm going to Earth 9 and disappearing. And if The Authority or SOC find me I’ll deal with it. I’m a big girl. KURT (turns to Megan) Do you think we could use the quantum dimensional inhibitor on this portal to jump start the ship? Megan gives a puzzled look, inspecting the portal. She then looks back at Kurt with confidence. MEGAN Go to the ship and get a dimensional spanner and two flux coils. We’re gonna jump start the drive. Janet looks around as the crew, surprised, starts questioning the decision to go through the portal. Janet turns to Donna. JANET (to Donna) You do realize if this plan doesn’t work, you and your crew will be killed? Your hides will most likely become Malcolm’s next fall collection. DONNA I know. But we can’t give up on The Ship. We’re staying. You go. I’m sorry we ruined your bloodsoaked viking getaway. JANET You’re lucky I like you, Moreno. Or I swear by Odin, your whole crew would be dead. DONNA (smiles)I know. You’re not to bad yourself, Chieftain Janet. They share a look of sympathy/friendship as Janet goes through. Megan gets back with the materials and her and Kurt begin building something using the portal generator, running wires back into the engineering deck on the ship. CUT TO: Kurt is on the substation, holding some wires to the portal generator. He makes a connection and there are sparks. KURT (yelling) OK TRY IT NOW CUT TO: Rest of the crew on the bridge of The Ship, Megan turns some dials and we hear a grinding sound, then silence, she turns them again, grinding sound, then nothing, she turns them a third time, no dice. MEGAN C’mon you stupid- She hits the console and the ship makes a grinding sound followed by a familiar whirring. Everyone shares a collective sigh of relief. BRAD There we go! (pressing intercom) Ok Kurt, it worked. Now get up here you crazy bastard. We see Kurt running onto the bridge, followed by a wide shot of the SOC patrol approaching the ship. The ship phases in and out unsteadily, then blinks out of view. CUT TO: Medium shot of the ship blinking back into space. DONNA So uh, Where did we warp to? KURT I’m not sure. Definitely not the ship yards on Earth 7. DONNA Oh ya think? Credits Roll POST CREDIT SCENE: INT ARBY’S BATHROOM. Janet emerges from the portal but as she is leaving the stall, feedback from Megan’s modification causes a small explosion and blows toilet water everywhere. Janet is knocked onto the ground. She gets up and looks around. She has toilet water on her, but she isn't hurt. She walks out of the bathroom, dripping toilet water from her clothes, and turns to the people working the counter. JANET You’re shitter is in real rough shape, you might want to check that out. One worker is seen going into the bathroom from behind the counter, mop in hand. An inch of water is on the floor, and besides what happened to Janet, the bathroom is in total disarray. Hypodermic needles, urine stains, garbage, a puddle of vomit, etc. ARBY’S WORKER Eh. Not the worst I’ve seen.