Love Is the Key, Part One

Time Team in “Love is the Key Part One: Infidelity Fetish” By Noah Stambovsky & Chris D’Achille Story & Concepts by Noah Stambovsky, Chris D’Achille, & Ian Kuzmik Open to: INT. The Ship. The team has ended up in an unknown part of Space. Everyone is on the bridge at their stations. BRAD(interrupting) Whooo! Did we really just escape from vikings and then Shades of Chaos? This is definitely a cause for celebration! Brad disappears into his ready room. He emerges with a fancy looking bottle of bourbon. DONNA Really? I feel like last time the rule was 3 brushes with death. BRAD Listen, Donna. First Mate. XO, if you will. You know the deal. We get that close to death twice in a day, and everyone gets to do a half shot of the TC. Short Brad narration, as the camera zooms in on the bottle in his hand: “Triple Condor Bourbon. The finest original bourbon from Earth 1. Aged in American oak barrels for 27 years and bottled at barrel proof, its flavor is transcendent, smoothness off the charts, and mouthfeel unmatched. Classified by the intergalactic board of alcohol, nuclear armaments, and gambling as ‘Rarest Bourbon in Existence’ because the last bottles we’re lost in a freak zeppelin accident.” Cut back to wide shot of Brad BRAD Or something like that. CHRIS Wait! I’ve heard of that stuff. It’s legendary. How do you have a bottle of that? BRAD It may have accidentally ended up on the ship while we were on a mission helping- DONNA(interrupting) Brad took us to 20th century Kentucky just to steal a bottle. I’ve actually never seen one of his plans come together so well. When was that cap? BRAD About 6 months before we hired Chris, so almost 2 years now. KURT Dear god that stuff is smooth. Can I get a full shot this time? BRAD Kurt! Do you think I’m trying to go through this stuff like I do with the Bison Trail? Cut away to Brad’s Ready room where dozens of empty bottles of “Bison Trail” Bourbon overflow out of a small office trashcan and onto the floor, possibly flies flying around the bottles. CHRIS When do you find time for water? BRAD Kurt, You know the rule. Two near-death experiences in 12 hours, we can each have a half-shot. You’re lucky I even share it with you. MEGAN Not that I don’t want to try your fancy Scotch- BRAD(irritated, interjecting) -It’s Bourbon- MEGAN(continuing) -But shouldn’t we maybe make sure we are safe first? BRAD(looks at bottle longingly) I don’t know, should we? KURT She’s right Cap. I don’t even know where we are right now. DONNA What do you mean?(to Megan) I thought you said we were safe. MEGAN We are! Jumpstarting the drive worked, but something is still wrong with The Ship’s sensors. KURT Internal scans are detecting a massive amount of feedback, waiting to recalibrate. Hey XT1, what the shit? BEAT MEGAN She's rebooting Kurt, it may be awhile. The viewscreen has a fuzzy distorted image of a planet, different meters are going off as Megan and Kurt look at their readings. MEGAN Sensors rebooted cap. It looks like we’re in stable orbit around Earth 47. DONNA Oh no. KURT What? I mean It’s a little out of our way but- BRAD Megan, get us out of here. Double time. CHRIS So are we still trying this Bourb- BRAD(interrupting, yells) DOUBLE TIME! MEGAN Whoa! Calm down, Cap. I can’t do anything while The drive is down. We won’t be warp capable for another few minutes. CHRIS I don’t get it Cap. What’s wrong with Earth 47? DONNA (Sighs)Joe Burton. KURT Who’s Joe Burton? BRAD & DONNA (in unison, Donna mocking) Just an old acquaintance of mine. We go way back. Had a falling out of sorts. An alarm goes off, and the main viewscreen shows radar, with four dots headed towards the center. DONNA That is literally all you have ever said about your “old acquaintance”. And now we see him and in under 30 seconds he’s fired upon us. 4 swimmmers coming in hot. KURT Hey Brad, if we have another near-death experience, can we do a full shot? BRAD Let’s get out of here and we’ll discuss it. XT1 Incoming torpedoes. WHOLE TEAM THANKS XT1. CHRIS I thought she was rebooting. DONNA Megan can you give me thrusters? MEGAN Yeah they’re online. Donna jumps into the pilot seat (they usually warp so maybe she even dusts it off first, it is seldom used.) DONNA Guys, you’re gonna want to strap in to the crash couches. Everyone straps in at their various stations. The interior of the bridge shows some visual turbulence. We hear an explosion as Donna aggressively moves the pilot stick to one side. DONNA That one was close. Hang on. CHRIS Captain, if you and this guy go way back, Then why is he trying to kill us?! BRAD It’s a long story. KURT Tales from Captain Vague over here, am I right? DONNA Yeah. Maybe now is the time to give us some exposition, Brad. What’s his motivation? BRAD We were friends! We came up through TCA training together. We had a difference in personalities. Another near miss, the bridge shakes, maybe something falls off a shelf, or a crashing noise coming from elsewhere in the ship. CHRIS What kind of difference? BRAD Well I’m the kind of guy that banged his fiance and… he’s the kind of guy that doesn’t appreciate that sort of thing. DONNA Jesus what’s wrong with you?! BRAD I have an infidelity fetish! DONNA You have more fetishes than Kurt has degrees! KURT It would probably be easier to list the ones he doesn’t have at this point. Squirrels? Tax evasion role play? DONNA No he’s into that. BRAD XT1, munitions report. XT1 Shock cannon battery at :three percent. Torpedo bay one: empty. Torpedo bay two: empty. Torpedo bay three: empty. Torpedo bay four- KURT -Ok ok. We know they’re all empty, everyone knows I used all of the torpedos testing our new blast shielding- DONNA I did not know that. MEGAN Neither did I. KURT Well now you do. CHRIS Did you know about this Cap? BRAD He might have mentioned something about it to me. I wrote down “buy more torpedoes” on a post-it note, it’s over there somewhere. We see a post-it note fall from a cluttered bulletin board on the wall as the ship shakes. CHRIS Wait! We never let XT1 finish. What about Torpedo bay four? XT1 Torpedo bay four: One active payload. DONNA Fire it at the hostile ship. KURT Wait. No! We see an external shot of the ship. A stream of fireworks and confetti shoot out of the torpedo bay. The fireworks sizzle then spell out “Happy Birthday Donna” CUT TO: INT the ship, as the team looks at the fireworks on the viewscreen. DONNA Kurt… What was that? KURT It was gonna be a surprise for your birthday. And now you’ve ruined it. DONNA My birthday was 3 months ago! KURT I know. I forgot. I was gonna just leave it in there until next year. Who needs torpedoes anyway? Another crash, closer call than the last two, alarms turn back on. DONNA I’ll admit, the shielding is holding up well, but y’know what? I’d feel a lot more comfortable about this whole situation if we had, I don’t know, some torpedoes! MEGAN That last one took out one of the aft thrusters. CHRIS So this is how I die? Not because I fought alongside vikings, or was kidnapped by space pirates- BRAD (interjecting)A space pirate- CHRIS -But because Captain Brad, my captain, traded a man’s friendship for one night of carnal desire? BRAD It was like 3 times. 2 nights. Not that we’re keeping score. CHRIS(distressed) And I never even got to try that Bourbon! Another crash, the whole bridge shakes, and then the turbulence slows down. DONNA And… there goes another thruster. I can spin us, but other than that we’re dead in the water. XT1 Incoming hail from Joe Burton. BRAD Don’t answer that. DONNA No XT1. Please do answer that. Put him on screen. I want to put a face to the name before he slags our ship. We see a man in a captain’s uniform similar to Brad’s, but cheaper looking, onscreen. He has a Mississippi accent. Don’t ask why it’s just how I imagine him. JOE I told you not to come around these parts Wheeler. BRAD Joe, now I know you’re not happy about how we left things, but maybe we can talk this out eh? You’re not a bad guy, and your quarrel is with me, just look at my innocent crew, do they deserve to be victims of your vengeful justice arc? JOE Maybe you’re right Wheeler. But on the other hand, maybe not. Maybe your crew is guilty by association. The screen blinks off. Long beat. Then the main viewer shows more dots on radar, accompanied by the foreboding alarms beeping. CHRIS (Anxiously) What are we doin’ Cap? BRAD (more anxious)Uhh… What are we doing Donna? DONNA I don’t know, maybe you should just apologize? BRAD Listen, if it gets us out of here safely I’ll do it. XT1, hail- MEGAN The drive is back online! BRAD Screw apologizing let's get out of here! CHRIS Can’t he just follow us? KURT That’s not a timeship. BRAD Megan, activate the drive, go to something B.C. Doesn’t matter where. They make the warp. There’s a beat, with some relief among the crew. BRAD Alright. I think it’s Condor ti- Foreboding beeping. The viewer turns back on, more torpedoes headed for them. XT1 Incoming hail from Joe Burton. BRAD God damnit! How did he? … Put him on screen. JOE I’ve picked up some tricks since you last saw me, Wheeler. See my ship has an FTL drive, but no time drive. But with a handy little device, known as Rosen’s Lasso, I can follow a timeship through a wormhole. So how are you gonna save yourself now, Wheeler? DONNA We are so screwed. BRAD XT1, terminate the connection. Megan, take us back to the 25th. They timewarp again. BRAD I know we can give them the slip somehow… MEGAN Cap, I have an idea. I’m programming a warp sequence to buy us some time… As Megan types away at her keyboard, the viewscreen shows the dreaded proximity warning again. She looks up for a moment then finishes typing. MEGAN Ok. Donna, when those torpedoes are within 1 AU, run the sequence. It’s right here, ready to go. Kurt, meet me in your lab. She turns around to leave the bridge. Kurt gives a shrug and follows. Cut To: Int. Kurt’s lab. Megan opens a wall-to-ceiling storage compartment and technological refuse floods out of it. She starts rummaging through all of the components. KURT What are you looking for? MEGAN Do you have anything we could use as a flare? KURT No. Used pretty much all of our explosive ordnance testing those blast shields. MEGAN Well I hope it was fun. KURT Oh it was. Megan looks down at the components and takes a moment to think. MEGAN Ok. New plan. The lights dim and the ship starts whirring, the same time travel sequence we have seen starts repeating every 5 seconds as Megan continues to rummage through Kurt’s lab. Cut to: Int. The bridge. Donna, Chris, and Brad are at stations, the viewscreen shows different backdrops every 5 seconds. The first is a magma covered Earth 1, the next, an urbanized Earth 1 with an Arby’s satellite orbiting it, the third, Earth 1 with multiple fast food/corporate satellites in ruin, visible environmental decay, and covered in smoking rubble. BRAD So now our fates are in the hands of a 22 year old kid who thought that Jesus… had parents… that intentionally named him after a curse word. And she doesn’t know Bourbon from Scotch! What are our chances, d’ya think? Brad turns to Chris and Donna DONNA Brad, y’know, if I were you I would shut my mouth about Megan. Are you forgetting we’re only in this mess because you had sex with Joe’s fiance? I mean, who does that? BRAD Oh come on, just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t fuck. CHRIS That doesn’t even make sense. BRAD It’s a metaphor! Cut to: Kurt’s lab. Megan has more components strewn out over the floor. She arranges them, pauses, then points to some of the components. MEGAN Do you see what I’m trying to do here Kurt? KURT Make my floor a mess? You know we don’t have a maid right? MEGAN LOOK! KURT Holy shit. I can’t believe I’m about to say this. Megan, you may be a genius. MEGAN Now help me build it, the sequence is gonna be over in… do you have the time? They start constructing something out of the stray components. CUT TO: INT. the Bridge. Kurt and Megan emerge with a jerry rigged looking ball of wires and components with random pieces of other machines sticking out of it. We’re talking a calculator, there’s bike gears, some balled up tinfoil. This thing looks JANKY. KURT Guys, Megan did it. MEGAN We did it! Chris looks at the device with puzzlement. CHRIS Oooh Kurt! Did you guys make a new modular synth? KURT (disheartened) No. We actually had to cannibalize my last three to make this beautiful ball of science you see in front of you. DONNA It just looks like a ball of garbage from Kurt’s lab. MEGAN That’s what it is! Kind of. BRAD And how is that ball of garbage gonna save us? KURT Just watch. Kurt and Megan motion for the team to follow them to the transporter room. KURT (to Megan) I’ll let you do the honors. MEGAN XT1, End the timewarp sequence. Land us back where we started. XT1 Affirmative Megan puts the device on the transporter pad. XT1 Proximity alert. Torpedoes incoming. WHOLE CREW We know. CHRIS Ok so I’m still not following, how is this thing gonna save us? MEGAN Watch! She presses the transporter button, and the crew rushes back to the bridge. Then a long beat as Kurt and Megan wait with anticipation. Then, all of the lights and electronics on the ship turn off. Kurt and Megan look disappointed. BRAD Wait! Was that supposed to happen? KURT Yes and no. The device definitely worked, but it worked too well. DONNA I’m still not following, what7 worked? MEGAN We made an EMP! (she turns to Kurt) So I guess the range was a bit higher than we projected? KURT Yeah. I think we were supposed to carry a one somewhere. CHRIS What’s happening? Are we safe? BRAD Yeah can we get a sitrep here? MEGAN The EMP worked, it knocked out Joe’s drive. But disfortunately, it also knocked out our drive. DONNA Can we reboot the drive? KURT Not really. And that was intended. We meant to strand them here so they couldn’t lasso us. But now we’re all stuck. MEGAN I can get the power back online in a couple of minutes. But if we want to fix the drive, I’m gonna have to go in there. BRAD What? No! You can’t! MEGAN Why not? DONNA Didn’t work out too well for the last engineer that did that. BRAD Which one was it? Jenny? DONNA No. Jenny quit on us, which was a mercy. She had enough dirt on you to take The Ship in a sexual harassment lawsuit. Josh talked her down. She works on Earth 7 now. No, it was Albert, no. Anton maybe? Who can remember. Whoever it was, he went in, and he never came out. CHRIS First Mate Foreboding over here, am I right? Chris looks around as everyone else looks down. Somberly, Kurt leans over to Chris. KURT Not the time, man. MEGAN Look, I don’t see another way out of this guys. The tachyon containment chamber has to be refilled manually. I think if I just go into the chronospace manifold I should be able to siphon enough ambient tachyons to fill the chamber. Donna, you and the team always go in the past and do brave heroic stuff- DONNA (interjecting) We really don’t- MEGAN -While I just stay here on the ship. Let me be the hero this time! Brad looks to Donna, Donna hesitates and looks to Kurt. DONNA Can she do this? KURT I think so. I mean, statistically, no. But that hasn’t stopped us before. And we don’t have another option. DONNA (To Megan)You don’t have to do this. MEGAN I want to. I want to save the day. Donna looks back to Brad and nods. This is a serious moment for the ship, the leadership signing off on the youngest, most innocent one of them risking her life for the rest of the crew. BRAD Megan. Come here hun. He pours her a half shot of the triple condor Bourbon. BRAD Here’s your first half shot of Triple Condor. Fix that drive and you get the second half. Megan takes the half shot. MEGAN It’s alright, I guess. Not much of a Scotch gal. Brad looks angry. BRAD IT’S BOURB- Y’know what? Fix the ship and you can call it whatever you want. CUT TO: Int. The Engineering deck. This is where the drive is housed, and also has Megan’s machine shop. The drive is large and imposing, taking up the center area of the space, the rest of the shop is a series of platforms and workstations in a “U” shape around the drive. Megan works in the dark on a component at one of the workstations, she runs a cable from the wall and plugs it into the component. Lights start to come on. She puts her hand on the intercom. MEGAN Alright. You should have lights, sensors, and life support. And who knows, XT1 might even come back if she feels like it. I’m going in. [Credits Roll] POST CREDITS SCENE Subtitle: Millersburg Kentucky, March 19th 1989. Condor’s Finest distillery. We see aging barrels, most looks nondescript but a few off in the corner have unique markings, the camera zooms to show that they are labeled “Triple Condor”. One worker is followed as he clocks out of work, and heads to an office. In the office is a man in a suit at a desk. TC WORKER You wanted to see me boss? TC MANAGER Yeah come in Johnson. It’s about that last shipment. The distributor tells me two bottles we’re missing when it got to the warehouse. JOHNSON And you think it was me? It was probably Franklin! MANAGER As a driver, Franklin doesn’t even have access to the lockboxes. I don’t think I have to tell you how serious this is. JOHNSON C’mon boss, I am telling you I didn’t take it. Where is the trust? 13 years at this distillery and I have never even tasted Triple Condor. MANAGER Listen Johnson, I have two options I could bring our lawyers into this, or you can resign. No severance, no pension. Up to you. JOHNSON (sarcastically) Oh please don’t shitcan me! I really need this awful job where I’m unappreciated! Here you go. He puts an ID badge on the desk and walks out of the office. CUT TO: Johnson opens his apartment. He looks around with suspicion before grabbing a single bottle of Triple Condor from his cabinet. He pours some into a rocks glass neat and takes a sip JOHNSON Worth it.