Chrono Squad Sucks

Time Team in “Chrono Squad Sucks” by Noah Stambovsky Story & Concepts by Noah Stambovsky & Ian Kuzmik A note from Noah: if you are commenting on this file, and you came from the public link, you are likely anonymous to me. Drop your name somewhere so I can respond to feedback. Enjoy the Episode. INT. THE SHIP. APRIL 10TH 2564 The Team sits in the bridge trying to find a new assignment. MEGAN I’m hungry. Shawarma would be sooooooooo good right now. DONNA Don’t you even start with me little miss shawarma. You’re the reason why we haven’t eaten anything besides field rations in 3 days and I’m not at the pool, under the glistening suns of Earth 12 sipping mai tais while sculpted man servants give me a deep tissue massage! MEGAN Oh yeah? Because you of all people really need another spa day! They lunge at each other BRAD (jumping between them) Ladies, ladies! I know we haven’t had steady work lately, and that last job went south on us, but we’re gonna find a contract, and we’ll get some shawarma, and all take a nice long vacation. Now, does anyone know where we can get a quick payday? Preferably in currency that actually exists. Anyone? KURT I have an idea... I just don’t know if you guys are gonna be into it. BRAD What’s the job K-man? KURT Well one, never call me that. The job should pay well. And if you just try to open your mi- BRAD -Who’s the client Kurt? KURT [continuing] these folks I know who- they’re these real nice, salt-of-the-earth people, they’re just in a tough situation. MEGAN Ooh, is this a guessing game? KURT [continuing] I’m sure you know of them, but they’re being defamed by the political and corporate leadership of the Inner System, so you're probably misinformed. Some of their thinking is definitely flawed, but I assure you they are good, honest people. CHRIS Who is it Kurt?! KURT Fates Warning. DONNA No. BRAD Fates Warning... I know I’ve heard that before. DONNA No. Way. MEGAN Who are they? CHRIS Isn’t that a prog band? Wait no, it’s that radical eco-terrorist cell! KURT [interjects] It’s actually both. DONNA They’re a murderous cult. KURT I would describe them as a rag-tag bunch of misunderstood uhh… freedom fighters with a few bad eggs, but hey, that’s just me. DONNA We’re not working with them. They won’t pay well, and it will be an impossible mission. KURT (aside to Donna) I have an idea. (whispers) Do you have any contacts that are in law enforcement? Bounty hunting? Kidnap jobs? DONNA Well they don’t call it that but, Yeah. I have a friend from my old unit. She is in the System Authority now. Why? KURT I have a second plan. Cut to: the rest of the crew as Donna and Kurt’s conversation is reduced to whispers for a few seconds and then back to the aside. DONNA Also, we can’t tell Brad until after the mission. KURT Agreed. BRAD [To Kurt] How did you convince her to go along with it? KURT Don’t worry about that, Captain. BRAD Hmmm… So where to, Kurt? KURT Earth 17. BRAD Megan, set course for Earth 17. Current time. MEGAN Aye aye Cap! The Ship starts to hum and the title credits play. EXT: The Ship next to a ship that looks very ecological: visible greenhouses with vegetation, solar panels, etc. INT: The Ship. On the bridge. BRAD XT1, Hail Kurt’s contact at Fates Warning and put them on the main screen. BILL SUNCHILD appears on the screen. He is wearing a bulletproof vest over a tie-dyed t-shirt and has long brown hair and and a moderately-sized grey-speckled beard, He has what looks like protective goggles on. The shot is slightly hazy. BILL Greetings crew of umm- (looks down to his lap hestitantly) -The Ship. I am Bill Sunchild, an eighth-level warrior-priest of Fates Warning. Kurt contacted me several days ago and told me the team was in need of some work. You would be perfect for the next plan that the Universe has in store for us all! The Universe is always finding ways of showing us its true plan. It even- KURT[interrupting] Just tell them about the job, Bill. BILL Ah. Right. The job. Our time masters, led by Dr. Monica Windspirit, have located the single event in history which led to all of the turmoil and oppression of the last 500 years. The corporations and governments sucking The System dry and for what? I’ll tell you what. It’s all about- KURT BILL! BILL Sorry. Right. We need you to prevent the Vietnam War. Uhhh… 1962. BRAD Should be easy. CHRIS WHAT? BILL Sorry, scratch that. Just another idea I was pitching to the Time Masters. We need you to prevent the Iraq War. 2002. CHRIS WHAT?! KURT It’s gonna be tough. But we can do it. DONNA Wasn’t that all Dick Janky’s fault? BILL Yes! BRAD Isn’t he the one that shot his friend in a duel? CHRIS He shot his friend, but it wasn’t during a duel. And his name was Chen- MEGAN -What’s a Dick Janky? Sounds dirty. BILL Oh boy was he dirty indeed. That’s why you have to vanquish him! It is the will of the Universe! It is the will of the all eternal timestream! KURT What does it pay, Bill? BILL (coughing, produces suitcase and opens it) We have two million System Authority credits, paid in full upon completion of the mission. CHRIS [under his breath] ...if those credits even exist when we get back. BRAD XT1, what are the odds that we successfully complete this mission? XT1 There is a moderate likelihood that you will succeed. Adjusting for this team... (beeps) fifty two point seven percent chance. BRAD Alright, we’re above fifty. Let’s do it. XT1, if those odds change, I want you to let me know. XT1 Affirmative, Captain foreshadowing. BRAD So when do we need to go to, Bill? BILL October 2nd, 2002. Washington D.C. , Earth 1. The senate’s vote was all important in the ancient United States. They definitely wouldn’t have gone to war if not for this vote. You must manipulate the Senate’s decision and prevent this war. (Screen blinks off) BRAD Megan set the timewarp for October 2nd, 2002, Washington D.C. , Earth 1. MEGAN Aye aye, Captain.(flips switches) The Ship hums and lights grow brighter fading to white as they travel through time. Int. Bridge of the ship. XT1 You have arrived at your destination. October 2nd, 2002. Washington D.C. , Earth 1. The local time is 3:30 PM. Active Camouflage is engaged. KURT Chris, do you have enough NST to get us a sit-rep? CHRIS Yeah. The academy prescribes time-release ones, so that last dose is still going. I should be able to help come up with a pla- BRAD Forget about that guys! How hard could it be to change a senate vote? I say we just wing it. One hundred percent improvised good old-fashioned espionage. Am I right Donna? DONNA (checking communicator, caught off guard) What? Yeah. CHRIS Actually Captain, the buildup of the Iraq War was incredibly complex, with many actors and many interests. Can you please just let me formulate a plan for- XT1(interrupting) -Captain, scanners indicate the presence of another Mark 11 Timewarp vessel in the vicinity. Callsign “Dashing Chad”. BRAD(somewhat angrily) ...Chrono Squad. XT1 Revised likelihood of success is... (Beeps for a slightly longer period of time): seven percent. KURT Well, there goes this mission. MEGAN What’s a Chrono Squad? CHRIS (typing and looking at some sort of screen) I still think we can do it Captain. XT1, what are our chances if we follow this plan to the letter? Chris clicks something on his screen XT1 (beeps) Eight percent. CHRIS Nevermind. DONNA So what now? Back to the 26th? BRAD We can’t give up now! We’re here. We’re The Time Team. DONNA (mocking) The Time Team? And I thought the name of our ship betrayed your lack of imagination. MEGAN Who is The Chrono Squad?! CHRIS I guess we’ve only seen them once since you joined up… They’re like us, but better. Oh, and they’re led by Brad’s old rival from college. MEGAN(to Chris) Oh, those people who screwed us over when you left me on the ship? Yeah. Never met them. BRAD He’s not my rival. We were actually good chums freshman year. And yes, we ended up in the same line of work, often hired to stop one another, but he is more of a colleague... a friendly competitor! Nothing more. DONNA HA! Oh yeah? That’s what you think of the guy who always shows up, ruins our mission, bullies you, and then runs back to the 26th and collects twice what we would have been paid? He’s a bully. You know what? I changed my mind. We should stay here. You should face him. CHRIS You would bet our reward and possibly our lives on eight percent? DONNA XT1, what are the odds that when we fail this mission, we also die? XT1 Assuming the ninety two percent chance of mission failure, the likelihood that any team member will die on this mission is... zero point zero one five percent. KURT (under his breath)That’s lower than The Captain’s average bender in our time. BRAD What was that Kurt? DONNA (interrupting, to Brad)See? Chad isn’t going to kill us. He’s just going to torment you after he beats us again. BRAD No defeat will be worse than the first. DONNA And which one was that? Was that the one where he tarred and feathered you? BRAD [angrily] Donna, I have neither the time nor the patience to disclose with you the events of that chilly fall evening in 2543! If you want to know, you can warp back and see for yourself. But trust me, it’s not a pretty sight. Let’s get to the mission. Chris, what is this plan of yours? CHRIS Okay, so the Senators use a card system to vote on resolutions, to manipulate the vote, we have to- XT1 Members of Chrono Team identified on front scopes. BRAD [forced] Let’s go say hi! Cut to: Both teams outside, 2002 D.C. in the background. A short intro sequence gives us the names, faces, and some accolades of Chrono squad. It is narrated either by a cheesey sounding narrator voice, or Brad, with an air of anger and jealousy. NARRATION: Chrono squad - Time Contractor’s Association best freelancers 3 years running. Captain Chad Dashman, Timework magazine’s “Contractor of the year” 3 years running. First Mate Svetlana Chao, decorated marine and swimsuit model. Science Officer Trent Curtis, acclaimed researcher, who at age 12 revolutionized time drive technology with his work on quantum field immersion. Historian Angela Battista, youngest graduate of the academy in history. Mechanic Amos Kamal, known for his extreme proficiency in building and repairing machinery, as well as his hobbies - triple black belt in the neo-gracie school of brazilian jiu jitsu, and 4th fastest rubik’s cube solve in the inner system. BRAD(to Chad) Hey Chad! How’s it goin’ pal? CHAD Brad Wheely!- BRAD -It’s Wheeler- CHAD (talking over Brad) Yeah I always just called you Wheeley Eats Shit, but who remembers those sorts of things? BRAD I remember, Chad. I remember. CHAD Yeah, so you’re here to prevent the Iraq war? Not gonna happen. BRAD Oh yeah? We’ll see about tha- [Chad pulls Brad aside] CHAD Listen Wheely, best not to embarrass yourself. The Senate already voted. The war is on. BRAD No problem! We’ll go back to earlier this morning and- CHAD [interrupting] -see, that’s not gonna happen either. Our last job paid out four million System Authority Credits. So I went ahead and got us an asynchronous temporal interrupter. BRAD Oh.. yeah…. One of those, well- CHAD Do you know what an asynchronous temporal interrupter is? BRAD Now that you ask, no. CHAD As long as the device is on, you can’t timewarp onto the planet that it’s on. BRAD Really? So how did we get here just now? CHAD I turned it off ten minutes ago. I had a feeling Fates Warning might reach out to you. I wanted to let you know you had failed in person. BRAD How can I trust you? CHAD Brad. Buddy. I’m telling you this as a friendly competitor. We went back to 1987 and left the interrupter here. If you want to alter the Senate vote, you and your team will have to spend 15 years on Earth 1 in the 20th century before getting to this morning. Can you really spend 15 years in the late 20th century working as a blacksmith or a stone mason? For what, a measly 3 million credits? BRAD -They’re only offering two- CHAD Look, just call it a day, alright? No one wants this to end in you eating shit. Again. BRAD You’re right. This mission wasn’t even worth our time, really. We’ve got to get some big jobs if I’m gonna get my own asynchronous temporal interrupter. CHAD Yeah. Nice seeing you. BRAD (disheartened) you too, buddy. CHAD And hey, for what it’s worth, the whole thing is really a mess. Let’s just say I’m glad we got the historian academy contract to preserve the timeline. Even if you could go back to earlier this morning, the senate vote was largely symbolic, and there were- BRAD -many actors and many interests. Yeah, Yeah. Listen, Chad I know you’re just trying to make me feel better- CHAD (interjecting)No really- BRAD But don’t. Take the win. (turning around to address his team) Alright, guys. let’s get out of here. MEGAN [eyeing Chad back] But I want to meet Chad! [Brad pushes Megan towards The Ship.] [Chad turns back to his team for a team huddle.] CHAD Alright Squad, we’ve successfully caused the Iraq wa- I mean, preserved the timeline. Let’s get back to the 26th. I’ve got to pay our dental insurer. CHRIS [to Brad] They have dental? DONNA [Eyeing CHAD] That’s not all they have that we don’t. BRAD Donna, I would appreciate if my first mate, and mechanic for that matter, would both stop ogling the man who is responsible for our lack of a payday. DONNA Oh, there’s still gonna be a payday. BRAD What do you mean? Cut to: int. The Ship. Kurt and Donna standing in the middle of the bridge addressing everyone. KURT So, I wasn’t completely honest with everyone about the nature of this mission. Turns out, we still have a job to do. CHRIS What do you mean? DONNA I’ve been in contact with one of my buddies from my old Space Navy S.E.A.L unit. She works for the Fugitive Division of the System Authority now. CHRIS Fugitive Division? I’m not following, are we bounty hunters now? DONNA For this bounty, you bet your ass we are. BRAD What’s a bounty? I mean- what’s the bounty. Of course I know what a bounty is. KURT Right. It’s Fates Warning. We have a unique opportunity to catch them by surprise, and we can get a million credits just for one of them. BRAD I thought they were your friends, Kurt? ‘Good, Salt-of-the-earth people’. That was what you said, right? KURT It was but, I was trying to convince everyone to go on this mission. They aren’t really my friends. I met them one time at a Yes tribute concert, but I don’t know them. What I know is that they have a bounty on their heads, as well as 2 million credits aboard their ship. DONNA We already have a plan in the works cap. My Navy buddy said she can get us 3 million credits if we deliver Sunchild, their leader David Starbeing, and their head time master, Monica Windspirit. CHRIS [gesturing to KURT and DONNA] So you two were planning this the whole time? When were you going to tell Cap and the rest of us? KURT Now. We’re telling you now. Brad, I’m gonna bluff and you have to back me up with Captain-ey sounding bullshit so they will let Donna and I aboard. BRAD Sure Kurt. KURT Megan, set time warp to Earth 17, just a few minutes after we left. MEGAN Cap? BRAD [Nods] MEGAN Aye aye Cap. [Ship Hums and goes through time travel sequence] XT1 You have arrived at your destination. Earth 17, April 10th, 2564. KURT Alright XT1, Hail Bill Sunchild and put it on the vidscreen. [Bill appears on the screen] KURT Hey, Bill. So we went back and scoped it out the day before. [gestures to captain] BRAD Thats right Bill, we observed the protocols of the early 21st century United States Senate, and used our various skills to formulate a plan for how to- [Donna shoves the Captain] KURT -We planned the whole thing out we’re ready to go, we just have a few questions for your Time Masters. BILL Hmm, well our whole crew is actually on shore leave, they all went to the burning man festival on Earth 17. I’m afraid our leader David Starbeing, myself, and Monica Windspirit are the only crewmembers aboard right now. DONNA Can we just talk to Monica about some of the events leading up to the Iraq war? Our historian has space mono, hasn’t been of much help. [Kurt shoves Chris and Chris sniffles and coughs] BILL Space mono? Is that a thing? DONNA Sure is, just look at him. CHRIS (unconvincing groan of pain and a sniffle) It’s really bad, Bill. BILL Why can’t Monica just talk to you over comms? KURT Bill, we really need to see her data in the time library. BILL Okay. Let me just clear it with David. [Turns around and raises voice] David! Can we let Kurt and his crew aboard to consult with Monica? [Inaudible chatter. Bill turns back around.] Yea come on aboard. But just you and one more, Kurt. We may have formed an eternal spirit bond at Yessongs reborn back in ‘59, but as far as we know, your crew hasn’t even heard Close to the Edge. KURT Yes, Bill I understand. Although I can assure you this entire crew has heard Close to the Edge, just not while they were conscious. [The team all looks at Kurt with shock, disgust, and puzzlement] BILL See you in a few minutes. [Vidscreen blinks off] DONNA Alright Kurt and I are going to go and kidnap the hippies, you three can stay on the ship and watch the scopes. If my friends from the Fugitive Division show up, hail them and tell them that Kurt and I are in the process of apprehending the Fates Warning personnel. Can you handle that? [Brad can be seen fiddling with some sort of device on his desk/counter, Megan is very obviously on what looks like a smartphone texting or twittering] CHRIS Don’t worry, Donna. I got it. [Donna and Kurt leave the shot, cut to a ‘transporter’ room] DONNA Setting shock pistol to ‘knock out’. [They do the star trek style fade out, then it cuts to a similar looking room, with incense sticks and potted plants in it, as they fade in. They are greeted by Bill. A cart can be seen in the shot. Donna gestures to Kurt at the cart. They follow Bill down a corridor with rows of hydroponic equipment on either side large fruit can be seen growing out of some of the plants, while others are recognizable vegetables and herbs.] BILL This is our central greenhouse section, on our way to the Time Library. DONNA [Sarcastically] So fascinating. Oh my universe. BILL And here we are. [They enter a large theater esque room. Rows and rows of seats, and what looks like a projection screen. From the middle rows of seats a woman can be seen approaching them.] MONICA Greetings fair travelers. Bill has told me much of your- [Donna shoots Monica and Monica goes to the ground] BILL Ahhh! DONNA She’s dead. That killed her. BILL Why, Universe, WHY????? KURT Listen Bill, if you don’t tell us where to find David and the money, you’re gonna be joining her and Chris Squire in the spirit realm. BILL David is on the bridge the money is there too. DONNA That was easy. [She shoots him too] Get the cart. [Kurt leaves and Donna touches a communicator on her ear] DONNA How are things on The Ship, Captain? [Cut to INT The Ship] BRAD We’re doing just fine here, Donna. You’re friends just warped into the vicinity and are holding their position out of range of Fates Warning’s sensors. DONNA Good, just stay calm and- XT1 [Over communicator, interrupting] Captain, another mark 11 vessel has warped into the vicinity. Callsign “Dashing Ch-” BRAD God Damnit! [Cut back to Donna, she is tying up Monica and Bill] DONNA Chris just keep the captain from doing anything. Kurt and I can finish this. [Kurt arrives with the cart, Donna hangs up] (to Kurt) Get these two on the cart, I’ll go find David and the money. We’re on a time crunch, Chrono Squad just showed up. Kurt begins loading Bill and Monica as Donna leaves the shot. Cut to the bridge of The Ship. CUT TO: int. The Ship. We see Chris go from the bridge to Brad’s ready room. He looks around for a minute then opens a drawer in the desk. We see him take out a deck of cards, but he keeps looking until he opens another drawer. CHRIS This oughtta do. He grabs something out of the drawer. CUT TO: int. The Ship. Chris reemerges on the bridge, Brad is brandishing a shock pistol. CHRIS (nervously) heyyyy Cap, whatcha doin’ BRAD (as he puts items into some sort of tactical duffle bag) I will not, repeat WILL NOT sit idly by as Chad Dashman steals yet another job right out from- CHRIS -Captain, you have to give Kurt and Donna a chance. BRAD XT1, what are the chances we get all five million credits? XT1 Twenty percent. BRAD See? CHRIS XT1, What are the chances of success if Brad does nothing? XT1 Fifty Four percent. MEGAN This Chad guy really gets under your skin, doesn’t he, Cap? BRAD That he does Megan, that he does. CHRIS Listen, Cap (reveals bottle of Bourbon and playing cards from behind his back). Why don’t we just play a nice game of Spacefaced? MEGAN YASS. [Cut to Donna on the bridge as she shoots David Starbeing. She begins to look for the money as the cart can be heard down the hall. Kurt arrives as she looks.] DONNA Good you’re here, get him on the cart. [Donna helps Kurt load them on the cart and as she loads them on, feels David’s neck. She then checks Monica’s and Bill’s DONNA Aww shit. Well let’s just find the money. As Donna looks, Chad Dashman and his first mate appear on in the bridge. Donna stops looking. CHAD Well what have we got here, prepping some prisoners for transport? We can take them from here. DONNA Oh yea? [As DONNA starts raising her pistol, Chad and his first mate each produce large shock rifles] CHAD Yeah. DONNA [Pauses] Yeah. Take ‘em. All yours. CHAD Well that was easy. Hey! You’re smart, obviously capable, and attractive. You’d fit right in with Chrono Squad. If you ever want to lose the team of losers and the captain that ate shit, give me a call. Hands Donna a card and has his first mate push the cart out of the room. Donna blushes. KURT Brad ate shit? DONNA Let’s just find this money. Little more rummaging, and Donna finds it and opens it. The money is inside. cut to the transporter room, and then the transporter room in The Ship. Cut to the bridge, Donna and Kurt enter with the briefcase. Brad is taking a shot of bourbon as Megan and Chris say “Brad Broke the timeline! DRINK!” in unison. They are all red faced and have random playing cards on their forheads. The laughter settles down as the turn to look at Donna and Kurt. DONNA Really? CHRIS Hey, you told me to keep him on the ship. MEGAN 3 Ts! Chris Drinks! (she looks around, reading the room, and goes silent, slightly embarassed) BRAD Where are the prisoners? [Donna produces the card Chad gave her.] DONNA Let’s just say some victories can be won over Chrono Squad as long as you aren’t involved. We got the two million, and they have the dead bodies of fugitives who were wanted alive. I say we call it a win. MEGAN So Cap, when we were on Earth 1, why didn’t we just timeport back to that morning? BRAD That damn Dashman left an Asynchronous Temporal Interrupter on Earth 1. We would have had to go back 15 years and wait there! KURT Asynchronous Temporal what? BRAD Interrupter. We have got to get one. Could really come in handy. KURT That’s not a thing. BRAD Really? He said- KURT -Really. Honestly just sounds like 3 random words off the top of his head. BRAD Dammit! Wow… I really uh, I totally bought the shit out of that one. KURT That you did. [Closing credits] Subtitle: Earth 6, 2550 [open to a shot of a small helicopter-looking device and a young Brad (approximately 26 years old) taking the price tag off of the device.] BRAD Okay let’s see how dashing Chad is against two Brad Wheelers! [He sits in the machine and turns dials and it hums the background fades and becomes a library background. Brad is overlooking a quad at college. Subtitle :Earth 6, September 23rd, 2543. New Hoboken University Library. Brad emerges from the vehicle a little frazzled and realizes he’s in the library, not down on the quad where he intended to land.] BRAD I must have miscalculated the uhh… Damn! I’m in the library! [Looks at his watch] And it’s happening. Right now! [He goes to the window and watches as he sees a young, yet already bigger and stronger Chad hold down his 19-year-old-self and make him eat what looks like human feces. Mid 20s Brad bangs on the glass and begins to yell in the dark library.] BRAD NO BRAD, NO. DON’T LET HIM DO IT. DON’T, LET, HIM. [He breaks down and begins to sob. Cut to Black]